


Tomorrow, My Heart

by aj_linguistik



Series: SAO Prideweek 2019 [2]
Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Day 2, M/M, One-Shot, SAO Prideweek 2019, Slight yujikiri, Trans Eugeo, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 05:49:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18404375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aj_linguistik/pseuds/aj_linguistik
Summary: Written for SAO Prideweek 2019's Day 2 Prompt: Trust.He'd only just met Kirito. He shouldn't be uncovering secrets like this to someone whom he barely knew. But something about the boy with no memory seemed familiar enough.





	Tomorrow, My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I tried to be pretty varied in my subject matter for the week, but trans headcanons and AUs always stick close to home for me. If you're familiar with my long-running work, I love writing trans guy Kirito. For this, I thought I'd try out writing trans guy Eugeo. (This was finished and being beta read prior to me posting my fic Rosebud.) 
> 
> Once again, a big thanks to camomilafil from Tumblr for beta-ing!

           “Do you trust me?”

           Such simple, easy-to-comprehend words. Yet, at the same time, they carry a weight to them that makes answering the question gravely serious. Saying “no” might end a relationship, for example. Saying “yes” meant that you truly had to be honest about it—any breach of that confirmation of trust would then be met with backlash.

           So, how could I answer that?

           The question came up because it was our first night sharing a living space. We’d traveled from Rulid until we hit Zakkaria, but there weren’t any inns until you hit the city. Even then, my meager savings and the fact that Kirito didn’t have a single shear to his name meant that we couldn’t just pay for lodging. In the end, we’d struck a deal with the nice Wolde family—we’d work for them while we trained for the tournament and they’d give us a bedroom to sleep in.

           That bedroom was actually a barn. Neither of us had a problem with it, but it still felt like it was indoors. So as soon as we’d closed ourselves in for the night, Kirito immediately yanked his shirt off to change into the night clothes he hadn’t worn since our last night in Rulid. I’d stared at his bare chest, finding myself unusually embarrassed to see that much of his bare skin. He stopped changing, shirt still off, when he went to remove his pants and I panicked.

           “M-maybe we should change while in one of the stalls!” I suggested.

           He gave me a funny look.

           “Is it…against the Taboo Index to change clothes in front of someone even if they’re the same sex?” Kirito asked, looking sheepish.

           The way he put it, of course it made sense. There wasn’t anything in the Taboo Index—or any local laws—that forbade it. In fact, it was likely quite normal for friends and siblings of the same sex to change in front of one another. Nothing inappropriate was occurring, after all. So, his comment made me feel uneasy. My reasoning certainly wasn’t along his train of thought.

           “I just…I’ve never…” I stammered.

           There was something about myself that I’d refrained from sharing with Kirito. I didn’t want him to know, at first because I wasn’t sure if he’d blindly report me to one of the sisters in the church back home. Nothing in the Taboo Index specifically stated I was in the wrong, but I had a feeling of dread that if someone outside of my family knew, I’d be in a corner.

           “It’s personal,” I finally said.

           Kirito’s face sported a peculiar expression, but he shrugged and removed his pants anyways. The embarrassed feeling returned tenfold. He slipped into his nightclothes quickly and stretched as far as he could. His midriff was exposed; it looked smooth in the lamplight. Yawning, he dropped his arms back down and frowned at me.

           “Are you just going to sleep in your day clothes?” he asked. “I was thinking maybe we could wash them in the morning.”

           I clenched my hands. I unclenched them. Indecision rattled my brain.

           “I’m…like I said, it’s personal.”

           There was a pause.

           “Do you trust me?”

           Ah, right. The question. I felt it only made it worse to sit and contemplate things. The more time I spent silently deciding whether or not telling him was worth the risk, the less he would believe me if I finally concluded that I  _ did _ trust him.

           We didn’t know each other all that well, and frankly, Kirito didn’t know himself, since he had no memories of who he was before appearing in the forest. He’d been a great friend almost immediately, though, and it felt as if we’d been friends since we were very little. A silly notion, but one that stuck with me. There was an inexplicable connection between us.

           That connection, I thought, was proof enough that I could trust him.

           I opened my mouth to answer him when a stray worry crossed my mind.

_            What if he isn’t interested in someone like me _ ?

           My cheeks flushed red. Kirito had no way of knowing why. Internally, I screamed at myself for even allowing such a thought. I didn’t even know whether Kirito was interested in men to begin with—so why would I presume he was and fear that he wouldn’t consider  _ me _ because I didn’t fit the usual definition?

           I almost scolded myself for that thought, too. “The usual definition.” I suppose that’s how it worked, in reality. Because of how the world worked, Kirito probably looked at me and presumed certain things about me. Similarly, I had no proof or indication to think he was anything but a naturally born male prior to him removing his shirt. I didn’t want to think that because the societal default assumed I had specific parts that this made me an outlier, but that was how I felt forced to think.

           But, back to trusting Kirito. Whether he found me attractive or not wasn’t the root issue, here, after all. It was whether or not I could trust him to continue calling me Eugeo instead of asking for my birth name. Could I trust that he’d still see me as a guy after he knew the truth? Was there no shame in hiding to change my clothing, or was he trustworthy?

           Lifting my right hand, I clutched the fabric of my shirt. I could remove it right now. Exposing my skin and my secret came with one simple, everyday motion. The only thing that stood between him and knowing this part of me was thin fabric. How fragile that barrier was, that it could be removed so easily, baring me for the world to see.

           No, not the world. Just Kirito.

           “I do,” I said.

           The words came out of my mouth before I was ready. Panic set in. I wanted to take them back. I needed more time to think. I’d said it too quickly. I probably sounded too eager. I couldn’t let him think I was just hastily saying that to defend myself.

           But he smiled.

           Not a fake, teasing, facetious smile like he sometimes did.

           No, this smile was genuine. He wasn’t laughing at me or thinking anything about a lack of sincerity. He accepted my words as truth and, in return, he graced me with a soft, knowing smile. His dark eyes glistened. Something in those eyes deeply appreciated my trust. I wondered if beneath his forgotten past, there was a sad boy who felt he couldn’t be trusted.

           “Whatever it is, Eugeo,” he said, “I won’t laugh or mock it. If it’s embarrassing for you to change in front of me, I’m not offended. Just like you trust me, I trust that you have your reasons for what you do and how you act. I won’t pry. If asking about your nightclothes touched a nerve, I’m sorry.”

           His words washed over me like gentle rain. They were calming. They were serene. They were refreshing. No one had spoken to me like that since Alice. Alice, who had been a child when she’d last spoken to me—she had the benefit of being innocent and untainted by the opinions of adults in society.

           Kirito, though.

           I smiled back at him.

           Kirito had formed his own opinion. I could trust in that.

           “I’m not offended,” I said. “And I think I feel fine, now. You’re right. We should definitely wash our clothing in the morning. They’ve offered us rather nice soap, after all. It would be a waste to not use it, wouldn’t it?”

           Taking a deep breath as Kirito chuckled at my comment, I untied my shirt and pulled it off. Still unsure, I glanced in Kirito’s direction. His eyebrows raised slightly when he saw me shirtless, but he didn’t say anything. I folded my shirt up and placed it down beside my bag. I pulled out my night pants first, to my irritation. I reached back in to fish out my nightshirt. Even taking this step, there was no way I’d put myself entirely in my underwear in front of him just yet.

           “I said I wouldn’t pry, but I am the slightest bit curious…” Kirito said, trailing off.

           I drew in my breath. Instinctively, I covered my chest with the clothes in my hands. Maybe I’d been too bold after all. I shouldn’t have removed my shirt in front of him at all. Kirito took a few steps towards me and bent over, pointing at my bandage-bound chest. His expression betrayed his curiosity. His black eyes twinkled with fascination.

           “Does that hurt at all?” he asked.

           I blinked at him.

           “Wha…what?” I stammered.

           He tilted his head and ran his fingers through his hair.

           “Sorry, that was probably insensitive. I just…wanted to know if that hurt. I’ve never met an openly transgender person before. I feel kind of bad for you if doing what makes you feel more comfortable physically hurts.”

           There he went, using more words from the sacred language again. Maybe he was some kind of sacred arts student before. I frowned.

           “What do you mean by…trans…transgen…?” I said, stumbling over the word.

           “Er, you know,” he said, averting his gaze. “You’re a guy, right?”

           I nodded.

           “Yes!” I confirmed. “I know it doesn’t look like it, but—”

           “You look like a normal guy to me, Eugeo. Don’t worry about that word. It’s just a special word to tell the world you’re a regular guy.”

           His explanation was so ridiculous I couldn’t help it when laughter burst from my throat. It was too late at night to be laughing so loudly, but there was no stopping it. Kirito was such a strange individual sometimes—he didn’t act any different after learning the truth. I reigned in my laughter and looked up at him, shaking my head. Knowing that he accepted me for who I was felt like sunlight breaking through storm clouds.

           So.

           This is what it means to trust someone.

           I slipped my shirt on, quickly changed into my pants, and then laid down in the bed of hay provided for us to sleep on. Kirito, too, got down on it beside me and told me good night as he reached over and put out the lamp. I mumbled a good night in response, half closing my eyes as I buried myself in the hay for warmth.

           Staring at the back of his head, I told myself that if I could trust him with knowing my secret, then someday, I’d be able to trust him with something far more important than just a fact about me as a person. I’d be able to look into those dark, inviting eyes of his and tell him how I truly felt, with nothing holding me back.

           Today, I would remain content with trusting him with my identity.

           Tomorrow, I would trust him with my heart. 


End file.
